.. the new year.

first things first, not engaged. not getting married. enough said now, but will definitely enlighten you on that subject at a later date.

soo many things are going to change this year. i'm sure of it. with that being said, i'm going to wipe this blog clean of everything that was ever written and i'm going to start anew.

xo

.. engaged.

.. i'm engaged! oooooooooooh my gosh.

wedding date: 12/11/2010 ..

.. the thirteenth of july.

... i cried a lot today. i sat down and rummaged through the past couple of days in my head. in amidst of the fog and craziness, i struggled with the one big saddening thought that kept creeping in to steal my thunder: suicide.

i'm not sure what it was to trigger these feelings nor do i even really want to go there, but something did trigger what i call an "emotional awakening" of sorts and all i felt was pure desperation. i even planned a day. july 13th. a month to the day of my birthday. i would overdose quietly in my sleep .. and nobody would know of my plan until they had found me. i would have written a variety of letters. one to my family, one to dylan. one to my friends .. the ones that i have left. my facebook status would read "born in a land of fisherman, raised in the californian sun and died in the grey solitude of the unknown." i felt at that moment, that i could not go on.

dylan had spent the night with his grandparents and dad and i was left alone with my thoughts (which sometimes is NOT a good thing) and after being pushed and pushed by everything so negative, i thought of suicide. a friend of mine, david, messaged me. he apologized for the last time we conversed - argued - and started mentioning his depression. we bantered back and forth and i told him of my plan. not the day, sort of thing, but of the depression that i have and that i felt like i couldn't go on. it was too painful. he reminded me of dylan; the pain that i would cause him over the years as david, lost his mother to suicide when he was merely 5. he explained how he always looked for the answers and could never find them so everything was always blamed upon him. ugh. what an awakening!

so, tonight, before i went to pick up dylan, i went to barnes & nobles and bought a journal. i'm going to write how i'm feeling; my goals, my dreams, my aspirations and more importantly, my thoughts in this journal so that i can see if i'm progressing in the right direction. the interwebs are too easy .. i need to write this out.

now that my d is back .. i don't have these thoughts of suicide. i'm happy he's home and i'm right where i should be. as his mother.

as david said it earlier .. once you buy the farm, you can't give it back.

*xoxo

.. i spoke too soon?

and just like that .. it's over.


ooooooh my god. i need to stop dating off of the internet.
done.

.. putting my foot down.

first and foremost, i'm over charlie. i have had the opportunity to spend time with him and get to know him as a person, but to be frank, i'm quite over it. whilst i believe that he's a great guy, he's just not the one for me for the following reasons:

a. he kisses like he's blindfolded looking to lick peanut butter off of a spoon as fast as he can in a 2 minute span of time.

b. our sexual history is off the charts different.

c. we have nothing to talk about - meaning, we can call one another up, and we'll both find ourselves doing random things and not even talking to eachother.

d. we bicker. we've been dating for what, a month? and we bicker like crazy. it's utter crap.

e. he's inconsiderate. the last date we were supposed to have, he blew me off because he had to work. the work part, i understand. the no call, no text .. nothing thing .. yeahhh. that was a little unnerving.

so, there you have it. i'm over it.

i've met someone new and it's starting out great. i have a few reservations as this person is still technically married and is relatively new to dating again after 5+ years. there have been times in the past that i've told myself that i'd never date a divorcee (after stan, that was the last thing i wanted to do, and you would think after dating mike, it would be a definite no-no) but when you take a look around, stop and wonder .. that's all their is left. either their divorced or gay. you pick and you choose.

anyhow. i'm now dating this guy - who seems wonderful. i'm going to take this day by day .. to see where it goes. but i will say this as an oath to myself. if this person lies and/or cheats in this so-called-relationship .. i'm done. no more second chances.

i'm not going to be a doormat any longer.

.. okay, i'm not going to give up. yet.

sounds stupid. even retarded. but i'm not going to give up on charlie.

not yet, at least.

after going over my "relationship" with him in my head for the past few days, i realized that i was jumping the gun before i even gave the poor fella a chance. yesss, he has things about him that annoy the shit out of me, but i'm quite sure that i'm no strawberry shortcake to deal with. eh. soo there. i've said it.

ohhh. and i met a fireman. oh. my. jesus. and he wants to see me again! yay!

okay, breathe again.

.. waves of nausea.

i got what i was looking for: assurance.

i've just arrived home from my "date" with charlie. had a great time today; minus the $130 and the hour of my precious time i had to take to get my brakes done (yeahhhh). we met at the beach and headed off to dinner which was quite strange since the waiter/waitress wouldn't greet me (but they all greeted him?) nor would they even look at me. hmm. that thai place has now officially lost my business. right. after that, we headed to the movies and saw wolverine. yessss. that is a must, my interweb darlings. you must see it. fantastic. after said movie, i drove him back to his car on the beach and he insisted on kissing me. after swallowing a large lump down my throat, i braced myself for the tongue-in-my-mouth kiss that usually comes along on most dates (ha!) but got a peck on my lips instead.

whatttttttt?

i felt like a slut.

anyhow. he's in the friend zone. done, deal.

.. signed, sealed & soon to be delivered.

.. my dreams are trying to make me cry.

i just woke up and i'm a bucket full of emotions. i keep having these dreams that don't fit in my life nor quite in my mind anymore and i have no idea why i keep having them. last night, i did mention stan* to a friend - about what happend with us. why it didn't work out. perhaps my subconscious was or is trying to tell me something. all i do know, is that last night in my dream, i wanted him again more than anything i've ever ever truly wanted. fuck. and when things in my dream seemed to be going back to that, i woke up in a nervous state. what the hell is going on?!

for so long, i thought (and sort of still think) that stan was the perfect one for me. god. my heart still aches to completely believe that but after discussing about what he did last night to me, that someone else reminded that if he was soo perfect for me, he wouldn't be missing from the picture. and he's right.

i don't know if i'll ever truly get over him.


*the one person i fell in "love" with and who broke my heart with such a vengeance, i had no hope of ever recovering.

.. self moderation. i think?

i like this word: "failure."

that's human destiny.
failure after failure, you make drafts and nothing more.
life's only an endless repetition.

seriously, i'm starting to feel like i'm living the real life of bridge jones. jobless (she was, at one point or another), boyfriend-less (although, that has changed a weird bit, eh?), crash dieting, moping around and listening to easy listening for the over 30's. only i’m really 26 just shy of 27. suddenly realizing that unless some thing changed soon,i was going to live a life where my major relationship was with a bottle of wine .. and i'd finally die fat and alone .. and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs. Or was about to turn into glenn close .. in "fatal attraction.” see my point?

this afternoon, i was lying on my bed thinking about my newfound "relationship." i have to admit here; have spoken things such as "i'm not sure about this" and "i think i'm getting my priorities straight" and even "maybe i'm just not that into him." wow. growing tired of my continued thoughts of annoyance, i mosey down to my desk and log on to facebook. and there it is. his status: "can't wait for tuesday night!" FUCK FUCK FUCK. whyyyyy?

i don't know what is going on. i honestly don't know if it is him. if it is me. or both. ha. the one time i could possibly end up meeting someone "nice" and "worthy" (oooh, that's a very fine line there) i almost want to just throw it all out. yech. be done with it.

and michael, you're right about the way you feel. about being in front of a crowd and they're expecting you to do everything right to appease them. and yourself. and yet, you have no idea what to do yet yearn to interrupt the play. i guess you can say that i feel the same way only i think i'd rather have some jackass off in the corner chuck an apple or some other rotten piece of fruit my way to knock me on my ass for some clarification. yeahp.

.. upside down.

have you ever wondered if you were truly good at anything and felt that you weren't? countless times, right?

lately, it's been the never ending story of my life.

i've been looking for a job since early march and have been on countless interviews. most recently, i had one that seemed promising, but that position was filled. why am i being looked over? i've excellent resources and i'm a great candidate for any financial corporation. so what the hell?

starting tomorrow, i'll be looking for anything. which means, i may settle for retail for the time being. my dad says that all i have to make is enough to cover my car payment. but what throws me through a loops is his constant jabber about leaving this place and renting out this house. yeahh. i thought so too.

one thing i've been certain on, i'm putting way to much effort into dating. even though i'm quite worried about my financial/job situation, i'm also a bit worried about dating. i've found someone i now call my boyfriend .. he's great .. sweet. all of the things a normal person would say about a significant other. however, i lack the luster of this relationship. i don't know what to do. how to act. what to say. it's like, i've never been in a relationship before. he does live 70 miles away which does help .. but i don't know. maybe i'm doing this wrong. maybe we should just "date" first .. for awhile. who knows? i'm driving down to san diego on tuesday to see him. we're supposed to walk the beach together and then dinner/movie. sweeeeet. he's a softie. lol

at the end of my day, i'm content knowing that i'm at least trying. i have my precocious yet beautiful son to keep my on my toes and i'm thankful for that everyday.

the fabric of my life may be wrinkled, but the pattern is vivid and clear.